Budak Kelantan

I had some alone time yesterday. 7 hours, to be exact. It was hell. I've been going through this phase where I'm starting to miss my ex, and I know that it's part of the whole acceptance process but it doesn't make it any easier. I used to enjoy my alone time, driving lazily, smoking while listening to music but I'm starting to hate it because that's when I start to think of her and miss her. I feel sepi everytime I'm alone, and I didn't have anyone to hang out with yesterday. So I had to distract myself.

I spent the first three hours reading a bit from Catch-22, helping a few of my friends with some marketing stuff, and talking to Michael about random stuff. Catch-22 is funny, and I am seriously considering buying the book in a few weeks' time. Unless of course I could find someone who'd lend me the book. Talking to Michael was even funnier, with the topics going from Formula 1 to Malaysian Chinese's lansi-ness to road bullies to national economic situations to etc. Started to run out of ideas on ways to distract myself, so I went to One Utama.

What did I do in One Utama? Watch two movies back-to-back, alone. The first was House Bunny, which made me laugh on a few occasions but did not prevent me from attending to my phone on a few different occasions throughout the movie. The second movie, however, was different. It simply made me ignore all incoming calls, so it's safe to say that I was glued to my seat.

First of all, Budak Kelantan is roughly 99% Kelantanese dialect. I've had some bad experiences with Kelantanese people during my school days, but the dialect still attracts me. The fact that the usage of the dialect didn't sound fake (unlike those Razak Mohaideen movies) caught my attention even more. Of course, I don't like the movie just because of the dialect. There were other aspects to it as well. The whole cinematography was good. There were a few scenes that simply oozed coolness on a visual basis. Other than that, there were also a few good lines that I thought were brilliant. The whole "kande kambing" line was thought-provoking, to say the least.

I also liked the issues brought up in the movie. There was the whole issue of crime and delinquecy, which would attract any young Malay male I suppose. The movie also touched on friendship, and the movie's take on the two main character's friendship is good. It wasn't original, but good try nevertheless.

Anyways, I managed to distract myself from feeling sepi yesterday but I don't think I'll be able to do it everytime I'm alone. I can only hope that the next time I'm alone, I won't think of her anymore because more than anything else, I just want to enjoy my alone time. God help me.

Stages of Grief and Loss

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross stated there are five stages that people go through when faced with grief and loss. This can be related to death or even break-ups i suppose. Basically, the five stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Final Acceptance. The thing is, i thing I got my stages mixed up when I broke up recently. Let me explain.

The first stage I went through when I dumped her was Bargaining. It was only a few hours after the incident, but I've already started to plead and beg her to take me back. Of course, she didn't give me a straight answer until 4-5 days after that so I went through the Denial stage. I kept telling myself that there is a chance to get back in the relationship, but I was wrong, so wrong. I'm going through Anger right now, because I feel like she toyed with my emotions and simply left me cold and bloody by the roadside. I feel betrayed, and I keep on having visions of bad things, really bad things happening to her friends. I'm sure that I haven't gone through the Final Acceptance stage yet, because I still feel as though this whole breaking up business is wrong. I'm not saying that I shouldn't have broken up with her, I'm only saying that I was made to believe something fake and things wouldn't be this painful if only she was honest to me.

Another reason why I feel like I got my stages mixed up is because of the Depression stage. For me, I didn't go through one single stage where I was constantly depressed. Depression was like a constant for me, because it existed throughout the other stages as well. I haven't had a single day since I've broken up where I didn't think about her and felt depressed. It goes to show that Kubler-Ross' theory isn't exactly perfect yet, but I don't really care about that. All I know is, I'm enraged and depressed and (oh please God) I hope I can go smack the hell out of her right now. If it wasn't for my "no violence against women" policy, she'll be going back to her friends with cuts and bruises. Argh...

While dealing with this depression, I kept on reminding myself that I've still got basketball, friends, family and my Koala. To tell you the truth, I'm glad because my friends and Koala has been there to support me throughout the whole break-up. Thanks Cerak, Khalis, Jean, Adam, and anyone else I forgot to mention. I would've gone crazy if it wasn't for you guys.

Oh, and Koala, if you're reading this, thanks a lot for being here for me throughout this hard time, and thanks for everything. I really appreciate it.

Emo Song of The Week

I'm addicted to this song because of a few things. First, it's because of the lyrics. Short and concise, and it still delivers the desired emotions. I put my favorite lines in Italic.
Second reason, it's because of the guy's voice. His voice doesn't make feel sad. It makes me feel pain. It makes me feel his pain, and reminds me of my pain.
The last reason would be because the song's played with just two guitars through out the whole song, and it doesn't sound over-produced like the mainstream ballads you hear on MTV. This song sounds honest, in a way.
Anyways, go check this song out.

Nadia's Picture Show - Menunggu Dirimu

Semuanya kan berakhir
Kiranya kau kan mungkir
Tetapku menunggu mu
Untuk kau terus berfikir

Jangan kau anggap ini semuanya
Hanya mimpi yang tak berharga
Jangan kau hampa tentang isinya
Kenangan yang telah kita bina

Hanyaku yang inginkan semua
Untuk kita terus berdua

Ku kan terus tersiksa
Kiranya aku tetapkan menunggu dirimu

Harusku menahan semua kisah cintaku
Jauh, jauh….
Jauh…



p/s: this song will forever remind me of that emo girl

New Idea

Guess what? I waited for a couple of weeks but Niko and Ema were the only two people who actually read and gave me comments regarding "The Waiting Man". Although it saddens me, I will still continue to re-edit the story until I'm ready to post it here. While waiting for that, here's my downdate.

I've thought about it long and hard, and I think that I'll start writing about my former relationships here. My memory will slowly fail me one day, and I want to be able to go back to my blog and re-live my memories here. I won't mention names, and since barely anyone reads this blog I don't see it as a problem anyway. I'll start with my first girlfriend after this blog.

I saw Sepi a few weeks back and I was disappointed. Not because the movie was bad, but because Sepi is not getting enough audiences despite it being a relatively good movie. It basically had three main plots, with each story focusing on three different characters played by Afdlin Shauki, Tony Eusoff and Baizura Kahar. Afdlin was lovable as the fat guy who finds love, loses it and stays in a loveless relationship because he didn't want to be alone anymore. Tony didn't have his usual pretentious slang, and his storyline made me cry. It's too hard for me to explain how without ruining the movie, though. Baizura's story was the weakest, in my opinion, but the poem in her story made up for it. Here's the poem as seen in the movie:

"bisikku pada bulan
kembalikan temanku
kekasihku, syurgaku

tanpa dia malam menemaniku
sepi memelukku

bulan jangan biar siang biar alam ini kelam
biar ia sepi sepertiku"

Beautiful, isn't it?

By the way, I've found a new guilty pleasure. Private Practice! I've never watched Grey's Anatomy before(PP being its' spin-off), but that didn't stop me from watching all 9 of its' episodes. The real attraction for me here is the supporting characters because I don't know why but I find Addison Montgomery to be uninteresting. Hot at times, but almost always uninteresting.

P/S: Elephant Man's Alarm Clock by Buckethead is arguably the best instrumetal(instrumental+metal) album I've had.