I Hate This

I am an immature bastard. If I feel like you've broken my heart betrayed me, it will take a while before I get comfortable around you again. By a while, I mean a few decades, in which time I shall continue to be uncomfortable around you, so uncomfortable that I'll take one extra joint if I find out that I have to share the same environment as you. Which is what happened today.

hornyBastard called me up in the evening, asking me if I wanted to go watch the KL Dragons match at a mamak place in Subang. I agreed and asked him if we were going in the same car, but he said that he's going with Edika and Comel (God it doesn't even feel right writing that). Anyways, I don't mind her presence. I have no beef with her. In fact, not even mutton. But I still feel uncomfortable around her.

I ended up ignoring her for the whole (roughly) three hours I was there with the guys. Like I said, I'm an immature bastard. Fine with me, as long as I don't have to be in direct contact with her. It helped that she didn't sit anywhere near me. It helped that I made myself busy with the game. It didn't help that Edika borrowed my phone, took pictures of the people there and caught a solo picture of Comel looking, well, comel. Macha, macha.

Turnaround

Stumbled upon this while searching for a file in my documents. I wrote this in early 2006, back when I was still in Urbana and dreaming of writing short stories for today's youth. Tells the story of a guy who tries his hand at suicide because he was lonely, only to realize that life after death is even lonelier. In retrospect, this is proof that I am NOT a good writer. The whole story sounds disoriented, and the character is more whiney than deep. Sigh. Good thing I've moved on to sports journalism now.

Turnaround

They say drugs can mess up your brain. I beg to differ. My mind is crystal-clear right now. Killing me is definitely the right choice. I just want to rest for a while before taking the jump. My body’s feeling a little sore.

This building’s got a pretty nice view from here. It’s a shame that nobody else comes here despite it being a good chilling spot. Actually, I guess that’s the reason why this place is like it is. It won’t be as tranquil if everybody comes here. It’d just violate the silence of this apartment.

The breeze falls lightly on my face. I can see Marlboro Red smoke assimilating with the air, forming mind-boggling shapes. The people look like ants from where I stand, unlike the goliaths they want others to see them as. How many times have I thought so? Almost every single time I wasn’t invited to join their social parties. Which is not that many times once you think about it. Must’ve been just a few dozen times. Oh well. Time to jump.

One, two, fly. I can only imagine what I look like right now. Arms wide open, eyes shut close, feeling as calm as ever. I bet I look like one of those guys on the cover of a rock album. Cool. I feel weightless. I... think I’m leaning on the wind right now. This is much better than anything I’ve ever done before. As clichéd as it may sound, the world is going in slow motion. I think I can turn my body around at least five times before hitting the ground. Wow. This is taking too long. Let me get ready for turn number 1. Move my shoulders a little bit. That’s it. I can almost make out who those two people on the benches are.

I can see a lady breastfeeding her baby through the apartment window. I never thought a person could look so beautiful doing that. She’s got the baby in one hand, and the whole house in the other. Makes me think about my own mom. She left me and my sister with my gramps when my parents divorced. I never knew why until a few years ago. She was ashamed of the “divorcee” status. God damn it. She left me because of that? Really gives you perspective, doesn’t it. Time for another turn. Let’s see. Hands to the side. Here we go.

Now my back’s facing the ground. The glare from the sun isn’t really making it easy for me to see so I turn to my left. I see a girl in front of her laptop, in a room in the building next to mine. Can’t really make out what she’s seeing on that screen but I bet she’s chatting with her friends or something. I bet that’s how the others live. They say they’re alone but they have no idea. They still have people who talk to them. They still go for friendly meals, socializing. The last time I hung out with somebody I had to pay for her company. Pathetic. One more turn. I want to see the ground as I’m falling.

I can see who those people on the benches are right now. It’s that old couple from down the street. I can’t believe they still hold hands. Wonder how it feels like, to have loved a person for that long. Decades spent loving each other. The last girl I asked out told me she’s a lesbian. Another one told me that she’s seeing someone else. The girl before that just disappeared. This is making me sick. I’d rather see something else. Turn around one last time.

Halfway there, and I see me. I don’t know where the mirror came from but I can see myself with my back on the ground, blood all over. The old couple looks distressed. So are the people who were walking around just now. I can’t believe how awful I look. It’s like seeing a picture from a Vesuvius album. Wait. This isn’t supposed to happen. I’m dead. I’m not supposed to see this. Nobody can see me standing here. All they see is the body on the sidewalk. Great. I take the plunge and I’m still here, nothing’s changed. Just great.