Random Rant

i hate it when i get into this zone. this state of literally not being able to focus on anything, right in the middle of a cynical smile with a finger rubbing against the side of my forehead. i barely feel the breeze but i get chills from a breath of air. i close my eyes occasionally, albeit for a few seconds, and reassure myself. it calms me down for a while, but the peace usually doesn't last very long. the flashes still come in massive tidal waves of emotional distraught. i start to over-think certain things. i end up over-analyzing everything. damn, those burnt bridges taught me a lot. but have i learned from them?

Feeling Like a Celeb

Damn. So many months without a post and that's how I start, huh? Oh well.
Anyways, I'm going to write about basketball. KLNC's started. UBSA's two games in and is currently at 1-1. They lost to Swoosh earlier today despite holding their own in the first half. I think UBSA lost mainly because of three things:

1. The Swoosh coaching staff sekolahkan UBSA's coaching volunteers in the second half. Bad player rotation and set-play recognition by the coach(es) screwed UBSA over. Damn.
   
2. Stamina is an issue. UBSA looked deflated in the second half. Or maybe it was because they were essentially playing 8 players (against Swoosh's 12), with two missing the game and another two playing limited minutes.
3. Baaad refs? During the third quarter, Swoosh players were getting fouls called their way like nobody's business. This basically set them up for the win as they coasted to a 20pt lead or something during that stretch. (Maybe it's not the referees' fault, and the Swoosh players are just good at getting fouls. Who knows?) I wish I can find out the exact number of fouls committed by both teams in the quarter. I bet UBSA had, like, double the amount of fouls or something. Anybody else want to wager on this?
   

Here's three things I liked about the game:

1. Mr. X is an anchor on defense, and a graceful beast on offense. He managed to keep Zaril from getting boards even though Zaril has a good 25kgs on him. And his post-moves, although slow, are actually good enough to send great interior defenders (such as Panje and Zaril) flying in all the wrong directions. (If only we could get him the ball more. The team's mindset in executing the set-plays is too perimeter-oriented, and often this results in the post players not getting the ball enough. This just screws up the balance in the ball-rotation) Mr. X is definitely a building block for UBSA.
2. Alip had a hot streak in the game, and it looked amazing. He was hitting jumpers, getting and-ones, shooting threes, and basically had a beautiful offensive game. Too bad he got screwed by the refs into foul trouble.
   
3. UBSA is good offensively, and they can get scoring opportunities whenever they are disciplined enough in executing their set-plays. However, people seem to not see the real reason why UBSA is a good team. It's actually because their starting 5 is a good defensive team. In the first half, when the starting 5 was still mostly intact, Swoosh 1 did not get many open shots in the first tries, but mainly scored after getting offensive rebounds. Of course this shows that UBSA is crap at rebounding, but it also shows that UBSA has the ability to keep Swoosh from scoring more than 70 (which is no easy feat).

Other random notes:

1. Abang Syed kept on joking with me about NCBL jerseys. Yasier joked about me having too much gaya on the court. Jokes aside, bila Swoosh BC nak offer aku jadi coach ni? Hakhak..
   
2. I'm glad I have friends who shout and scream not just for UBSA but for me. Felt good to hear people scream "NICE!" after making hustle plays. You guys make me feel like a celebrity. Thanks guys. Korang memang terbabow.
   
3. The organizers started all the games about an hour early, but I was not informed until I got to the stadium. Lucky (almost) the whole team came more than an hour early.
   

Random Emo Song of the Week

Dazmelon - Terbang
The original version of this song is so energetic yet still mushy. It's exactly what you'd imagine a rocker who's truly in love would sing. However, I couldn't find a proper video for this song on Youtube. Instead, cringe listen as yours truly sing off-key while helplessly playing the guitar. As usual, lines that interest me are bold.



Andai bisa ku terbang,
Tinggi di awan,
Kan ku terbang sayap impian,
Melayang tinggi diruangan angkasa.

Namun semua hanya impian,
Yang tak mungkin bisa ku janjikan,
Seperti apa yang terjadi di kisah khayalan,

Hanya mimpi yang bisa ku janjikan,
Realiti ini bukannya seperti mimpi sang puteri.

Maafkan aku melukai mu,
Maafkan ku kerna tak bisa,
Ku hadirkan semua mimpi-mimpi mu,

Pegang tangan ku pejam mata mu,
Dan selami hati yang berbunga,
Dan pastinya kau kan melayang,
Terbang di angkasa.

Bersama ku berdua jelajahi kisah cinta,
Seperti di dalam kisah sang arjuna,

Kita terbang bersama,
Berdua diruangan angkasa,
Bahagia cinta tercipta,
Biar pun bukan di realitinya

Advice Taken, Bro

"Don't stop writing, man."
...
Since we were both in the middle of dribbling/shooting inside the court, I was taken by surprise when Razif said that to me. Nobody would really expect this kind of talk during a basketball game, right? Unless you're Jesus Shuttlesworth and you're playing one-on-one with your dad, usually it's just trash talk, or girls, or more trash talk. He then started to talk about how Kurt Cobain was a great writer and if he didn't stop writing, he wouldn't have gone overboard on drugs and killed himself. Erm, yeah.
Anyways, Razif's right about Kurt. His lyrics talked of things outsiders wouldn't even think of finding in a 'grunge' song. And then there were some songs which were dark, cynical and depressing. Which brings me to Polly. I kid you not, when I first heard Polly, I thought it was about feeding a pet bird some crackers. The thing is, Kurt wrote the song after reading in a newspaper about a girl who was abducted after a gig. The girl was later raped and tortured with a blowtorch. So, erm, yeah.
p/s: Wrote this a couple of months ago but forgot to post it somehow. w.e.i.r.d.

I Hate This

I am an immature bastard. If I feel like you've broken my heart betrayed me, it will take a while before I get comfortable around you again. By a while, I mean a few decades, in which time I shall continue to be uncomfortable around you, so uncomfortable that I'll take one extra joint if I find out that I have to share the same environment as you. Which is what happened today.

hornyBastard called me up in the evening, asking me if I wanted to go watch the KL Dragons match at a mamak place in Subang. I agreed and asked him if we were going in the same car, but he said that he's going with Edika and Comel (God it doesn't even feel right writing that). Anyways, I don't mind her presence. I have no beef with her. In fact, not even mutton. But I still feel uncomfortable around her.

I ended up ignoring her for the whole (roughly) three hours I was there with the guys. Like I said, I'm an immature bastard. Fine with me, as long as I don't have to be in direct contact with her. It helped that she didn't sit anywhere near me. It helped that I made myself busy with the game. It didn't help that Edika borrowed my phone, took pictures of the people there and caught a solo picture of Comel looking, well, comel. Macha, macha.

Turnaround

Stumbled upon this while searching for a file in my documents. I wrote this in early 2006, back when I was still in Urbana and dreaming of writing short stories for today's youth. Tells the story of a guy who tries his hand at suicide because he was lonely, only to realize that life after death is even lonelier. In retrospect, this is proof that I am NOT a good writer. The whole story sounds disoriented, and the character is more whiney than deep. Sigh. Good thing I've moved on to sports journalism now.

Turnaround

They say drugs can mess up your brain. I beg to differ. My mind is crystal-clear right now. Killing me is definitely the right choice. I just want to rest for a while before taking the jump. My body’s feeling a little sore.

This building’s got a pretty nice view from here. It’s a shame that nobody else comes here despite it being a good chilling spot. Actually, I guess that’s the reason why this place is like it is. It won’t be as tranquil if everybody comes here. It’d just violate the silence of this apartment.

The breeze falls lightly on my face. I can see Marlboro Red smoke assimilating with the air, forming mind-boggling shapes. The people look like ants from where I stand, unlike the goliaths they want others to see them as. How many times have I thought so? Almost every single time I wasn’t invited to join their social parties. Which is not that many times once you think about it. Must’ve been just a few dozen times. Oh well. Time to jump.

One, two, fly. I can only imagine what I look like right now. Arms wide open, eyes shut close, feeling as calm as ever. I bet I look like one of those guys on the cover of a rock album. Cool. I feel weightless. I... think I’m leaning on the wind right now. This is much better than anything I’ve ever done before. As clichéd as it may sound, the world is going in slow motion. I think I can turn my body around at least five times before hitting the ground. Wow. This is taking too long. Let me get ready for turn number 1. Move my shoulders a little bit. That’s it. I can almost make out who those two people on the benches are.

I can see a lady breastfeeding her baby through the apartment window. I never thought a person could look so beautiful doing that. She’s got the baby in one hand, and the whole house in the other. Makes me think about my own mom. She left me and my sister with my gramps when my parents divorced. I never knew why until a few years ago. She was ashamed of the “divorcee” status. God damn it. She left me because of that? Really gives you perspective, doesn’t it. Time for another turn. Let’s see. Hands to the side. Here we go.

Now my back’s facing the ground. The glare from the sun isn’t really making it easy for me to see so I turn to my left. I see a girl in front of her laptop, in a room in the building next to mine. Can’t really make out what she’s seeing on that screen but I bet she’s chatting with her friends or something. I bet that’s how the others live. They say they’re alone but they have no idea. They still have people who talk to them. They still go for friendly meals, socializing. The last time I hung out with somebody I had to pay for her company. Pathetic. One more turn. I want to see the ground as I’m falling.

I can see who those people on the benches are right now. It’s that old couple from down the street. I can’t believe they still hold hands. Wonder how it feels like, to have loved a person for that long. Decades spent loving each other. The last girl I asked out told me she’s a lesbian. Another one told me that she’s seeing someone else. The girl before that just disappeared. This is making me sick. I’d rather see something else. Turn around one last time.

Halfway there, and I see me. I don’t know where the mirror came from but I can see myself with my back on the ground, blood all over. The old couple looks distressed. So are the people who were walking around just now. I can’t believe how awful I look. It’s like seeing a picture from a Vesuvius album. Wait. This isn’t supposed to happen. I’m dead. I’m not supposed to see this. Nobody can see me standing here. All they see is the body on the sidewalk. Great. I take the plunge and I’m still here, nothing’s changed. Just great.

Since When Did I

I used to write in my blog for a completely different reason when I first started out. This blog was meant to be where I'll write about significant occurrences in which I'll read about it again in the distant future. It's a way for me to gauge my personal growth, as what I write usually mirrors my own maturity.
Nowadays, however, I only write when I'm feeling depressed. I write when I have a problem and I can't seem to write when I'm happy. How will this affect my blog's original purpose, then? It doesn't matter. Even if I do only write when I'm depressed, I'll still have a good time re-reading my posts. It's like being in a time machine where I can dwell in past memories and laugh or cry about it.

P/S : How many readers do I have? And how did you know about my blog? Did I tell you about it, or did you find out from facebook? Am I suffocating you with questions?

I've Got a Bad Feeling About This

Over the past two-three weeks, I've had a constant discomforting feeling. It has nothing to do with my injured right hand, and it has nothing to do with drugs/sobriety. It has something to do with... (still can't put my finger on it). Sigh.

Maybe someone I love is in danger or is going through something serious. No bad news so far. Absence of ill news is a form of good news, hopefully. Maybe someone's plotting an evil plan to ruin me? Surely my evil twin brother has not escaped from the mental institution hell-bent on getting his revenge on me, because I don't have an evil twin brother. Maybe this feeling is just a prelude to achieving greatness within myself, like getting superpowers ala Heroes. That would be cool. That would be really cool.

As cliche as it sounds, it's really hard to describe the feeling. My limited vocabulary and uninteresting style would not stop me from trying to describe it, though. (*ehem* - clears throat before starting to explain) For starters, I would feel as if there's a void right between my chests, literally. Sometimes whenever I notice that feeling I'd also realize that i stopped breathing for a while. Things would be out of focus, as if I was staring blankly into space. It also makes me feel anxious. Or jumpy. Like prison-bitch jumpy. Not a good feeling to have.

I pray this shall pass for I do not enjoy these feelings. It's making me lose sleep.

On second thought, I pray that these feelings are just symptoms of a soon-to-be superhero on the verge of discovering his superpowers. Amin.

There's This Place

There's this place near Pendang, Kedah. It's right off the PLUS highway near the Pendang exit but you can only access it if you're heading south. No one goes or stops there because there's nothing except for a place to park your car and a few trees to provide shade. Why the fascination with the location? Because I've never experienced a disappointing view from the place. It consists of a wide paddy field with a few prominent trees, an occasional cow or two, and a distant mountain in the background. Be it day or night, rain or shine, the scenery is always serene. It's a perfect place for you to simply park, smoke up, rest and stare. Nice.

The Blue CRV

Sometimes, I drive the car aimlessly. I don't have a destination in mind, I simply drive. I'll drive through new places, exploring inner roads while occasionally getting lost. I turn the music down and talk about random things. This goes on for a while before I decide that I've had enough and start driving back home.

Sometimes, I drive the car aimlessly. I don't have a destination in mind, I simply drive and follow your directions because I'm crap at remembering roads. Thank God you're good at it. I'll drive through new places, exploring inner roads while occasionally getting lost because it's something you like to do. I turn the music down and talk about random things because that's how we connect. This goes on for a while before I decide that I've had enough and start driving back home.

Sometimes, I drive the car aimlessly. I don't have a destination in mind, I simply drive and follow your directions because I'm crap at remembering roads. Thank God you're good at it. Too bad you're not here. I'll drive through new places, exploring inner roads while occasionally getting lost because it's something you like to do. Also, because it's something we used to do together. I turn the music down and talk about random things because that's how we connect. It makes me feel like you're actually there sitting next to me, listening to my pointless ceritas. This goes on for a while before I decide that I've had enough and start driving back home, wishing I could instead drive to wherever you are.

Sometimes, I drive the car aimlessly because I miss you.

I miss you.